Free Choice

Maybe you are wondering what all these entries have to do with free choice?

I have been struggling with acceptance of the circumstances I am in. I wouldn't really say that I am in bondage like the Isrealites, but I keep pushing to become liberated and achieve fulfillment in other areas. I love my family dearly, and have a special place in my heart for the three J's, but my flesh is very weak, and I sometimes have a difficult time mustering the energy and attitude to be a good father and husband. The little ones take so much time, and sometimes it's hard to go through the whole child-rearing process again. I have haunting thoughts that I am too old for this.

Don't get me wrong, Jasmine, Janae, and Joseph are precious little children and can be as adorable as can be. My problem is that I just keep focusing on other things and I want more time to expand and grow myself (wouldn't you think I would be about past that by now?) Billie told me today that she has accepted the station she is in and is confident that Heavenly Father will give her all the time she needs. She told me that the difference she sees between her and I is that she feels she has time, and I am continually pressing for time. I think she is right. I am not content with just rearing children and am continually looking for free time to develop talents in other areas - writing, puppetry, production on the computer, music, etc. I have a wide variety of interests. I guess I am somewhat discontent with the way things are now and am looking forward to a day of "deliverance" when I will finally be free to become what I want. I wonder if there will be enough time then. I know I need more faith in my Heavenly Father and the plan he has set before me. I don't think my desires are evil, they just are in the wrong priority. I wish I could communicate with Father more ably and be more willing to follow his direction. I guess I don't fully trust Him. I don't know that he will liberate me in the way I want to be liberated.
So, is my situation in life bondage? It requires a lot of me and ties me down, but I'm sure the Lord doesn't see it as bondage. I believe it really is ann effort to free these special children from a history of bondage. I wonder if Moses felt he was in bondage with his special assignment to free Israel. It certainly took a lot of time and effort and didn't always produce the results he was seeking. But he did have to learn to do it the Lord's way. I still wonder if there isn't a way to achieve the things I want to do - writing books, producing puppet shows, developing musical talent, within the situation I am in. I can't blame the Lord for it, because I did have a choice in it. I do know that it is His will that I give my very best efforts to these little children, regardless of what that means in my station of life. I have to be willing to sacrifice the typical lifestyle of my peers who are my age and see what I am doing as a special assignment from the Lord. Then, I need to learn to thoroughly trust Him! I believe that is truly the path to true freedom. May the Lord strengthen me and help me and encourage me so that I can develop the faith I need to believe that His agendas and purposes are truly higher and more worthy than mine. I am still in bondage to fear and distrust. I wonder if the hopes and dreams I have in my own agenda can be achieved within the framework He has provided for me?

Lotsa "me" and "I" in this blog entry. A change in focus is also needed.